"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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