dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
