i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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