You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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