i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
