you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
