I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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