I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize