May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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