He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
