Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
