I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
