I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
