Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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