Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
