I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize