i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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