It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
