A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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