grandma shit on top of the toilet
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
