and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
