The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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