UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
