so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize
