Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
