Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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