My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
