sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
