I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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