i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
