I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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