There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
