Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
All I want is dick and wine.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
