Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
