look no pants
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
