Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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