we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
