im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
