i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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