i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You took a bar mat shot.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize