Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
