hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize