your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
