I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
