dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Randomize
