I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
