Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just gift wrapped bread.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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