some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
