I wish I only lived at night.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
