God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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