he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
