I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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