Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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