I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
