What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Is it because I queefed?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
