Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think I died a long time ago.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
