You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
