im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
