i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
