I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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