The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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